Wednesday, November 2, 2011

How to be a jerkface at Disneyworld

I suppose this post could also be titled "How to be a jerkface at any theme park."

Rule #1: Always assume that you are the only person who paid to be here. If you must admit that anybody else paid to be in this theme park, please remember that your money is far more important than theirs, and they all probably got discounts (whereas you paid full price, of course), and therefore the fact that you paid to be here is far more important than the fact that they paid to be here. In fact, their money is worthless compared to yours. You paid to be here, and you are entitled to get your money's worth, no matter what it takes.

If you can keep Rule #1 in mind, the rest of this will be much easier, I promise.

Rule #2: Get everything done as quickly as possible. This, of course, ensures that you will do as much as possible, thus "getting your money's worth" (see Rule #1). There are several sub-rules to accomplish this:

Rule #2a: Walk very quickly everywhere you go.
Rule #2b: Cut in front of people whenever possible.
Rule #2c: Pull your loved ones away from "time wasters" like games, street shows, scenic views or anything else you deem "boring," regardless of how much they seem to be enjoying it. Because face it, they don't know what they want, and they aren't the ones who paid to be here. (See Rule #1)
Rule #2d: Be sure you are holding a Fastpass for something at all times. Yes, you might have to run in a crazy zig-zag pattern all over the park all day long to do this, but remember, if you are moving quickly, then you are doing it right.

Rule #3: Push to the front. You want to make sure you are the first person in line for everything, regardless of its importance, or whether or not it matters. You want to see one of the cool 3-D shows? Get to the front of the line. Once the line lets you into the holding area, get to the front- as close to the doors as possible. I mean, sure, this means you get one of the worst seats in the house for the actual show, but, come on, I am sure you can think of a jackass way around that, too, right? (See Rule #4)

This also means that you need to push to the front when exiting places and rides, too. I mean, what is the point of paying to be here (See Rule #1) if you are not the first person out of the show, the first person off the ride?

Rule #4: Ignore Park Rules. When they say "Please move all the way across the row and make room for everyone." They don't mean YOU should do that. They mean EVERYBODY ELSE should do that. Everybody else should climb over you to get to their seats. Safety, schmafety. When they say "No Flash Photography" that obviously doesn't apply to you. Yes, it ruins the ride for everybody else, but you will get the perfect picture. And, after all, you paid to be here (see Rule #1), so you deserve a perfect picture of the inside of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

Rule #5: Assume that you know everything about the park. If somebody tries to "help" you, sneer at them and use your most condescending tone to let them know that you, in fact, have been here before (in 1986). Sure, the person trying to "help" you might be a Disney blogger (so they say), or a cast member on their day off (a likely story), or a local who has been here more than a hundred times in the last two years (*insert eye roll*), but they do not know this park as well as you do. Again, there are a few sub-rules to clarify this:

Rule #5a: Never accept directions from anybody. You have a map, dammit. It is colorful and all-knowing.
Rule #5b: There is no such thing as a "friendly tip." The bathrooms are all the same (none of them have shorter lines due to being in out-of-the-way locations), the food carts are all the same (none of them sell the coveted churros you are searching for), and there is no better place to take a picture or eat your lunch than in the exact same place that everybody else is. Duh. That's why everybody is here. It is the best (or only) place to eat or take a family photo.
Rule #5c: There is nothing "secret" or "special" about anything, ever. Different sized horses on the carousel for kids and adults? LIES. Ways you can earn all-day fastpasses? MYTH. Get exact recipes for the best dishes from Disney restaurants? FABRICATION. Places to meet the most popular characters with no line? FALSE. 

Rule #6: Forget that this is a family destination. Who cares what the original intent of the Disney parks was? You should say whatever you want, wear whatever you want and do whatever you want. It's not like this is a "school" or a "mall" where kids are supposed to be or anything. The F-bomb is perfectly acceptable in all its forms, no matter who is around you, and any conversation that wouldn't make your grandmother blush for its explicit content is a conversation wasted.

Rule #7: Get angry at as many cast members as possible. Your lunch at the super-packed quick-service restaurant didn't come out in less than thirty seconds (at noon)? Yell at the seventeen year old behind the counter. It is his fault, and the more you yell at him, the faster the service will be. (I know, it looks like he's having to stand there, not filling orders, while you yell at him, but I promise, the food will magically be cooked faster because you yelled at somebody)

The sign said "20 minute wait" but you waited 23 minutes? Yell at the guy telling you what row to sit in. It is his fault. He could have made there be fewer people between that sign and the front of the line if he wanted to.

Buzz Lightyear needs to "recharge his batteries" for three minutes just when you get to the front of the line? Yell at the character escort. It is her fault. She could make Buzz Lightyear stand there all day in the Florida sun, with no breaks, if she wanted to. She is doing this just to piss. you. off. Remember, you paid to be here (see Rule #1) and you want a picture with Buzz.

There you have it, folks. Seven simple rules for being a jerkface at Disneyworld (or any theme park, or place that people gather in droves).

Did I miss anything?


  1. I have to admit, I would probably be sticking to Rule 2a. Partly because I'm pretty much physically incapable of walking slowly. Partly because I have an irrational fear of people dressed up as characters from cartoons, going back to when I went to Disneyland at the age of seven and was *JUST* old enough to work out that Minnie and Mickey had cartoon bodies and HUMAN LEGS. It also applies to sports team mascots and people raising money for wildlife charities by dressing up as koalas. I'm so terrified that I will actually cross the street to get away from anyone in an animal/cartoon costume.

    Other than that, I HATE people who do any of what's on your list.

  2. Honestly, just walking quickly isn't bad. People move at different paces, and I get that. It's when the "walking quickly" is a symptom of something bigger that I get annoyed. But, seriously, my husband could be a champion speedwalker, so I hear ya.

  3. This isn't just a list for theme parks.. but for the shopping centre, sale season, and y'know.. generally every day.

  4. This is true. You could conceivably be a jackass just about anywhere!

  5. This is a world wide epidemic as it happens here in the UK as well.

  6. It's true- you can be a jackass anywhere. This is not limited to Orlando. I am quite sure you can adapt it to your own circumstances!

  7. Pretty sure I encountered every one of these rules while at Universal over New Year's. Even my boyfriend, who went with me, had moments of weakness. Every time I would stop to take a picture, he would look at me like I had just ruined his entire day. I eventually just started doing it whenever I wanted without telling him to wait for me, so he would keep walking without realizing I wasn't with him. Then he would notice, panic, come all the way to find me and sigh, and I would say, "See, you wouldn't have to do that if you just let me take my damn pictures, okay? Okay."