Friday, March 16, 2012

I gave up.

Today, I gave up.

It's not that I've never given up before, because I have. I gave up Girl Scouts when I was twelve, the saxophone when I was eighteen and voice lessons before they ever really started. I gave up soccer and softball and painting and woodworking. I've given up on nearly as many hobbies as I've ever started (all hobbies ever started - the ones I gave up = the three I have now)

It's just that I've never given up on something important, something that mattered.

Today, for the first time in my life, I had to drop a class for non-medical reasons. I am simply not keeping up.


There are a lot of reasons.

First, I enrolled in three classes this semester. Last semester I took two and it went really well. So, of course, I thought "I CAN DO MORE!!!"

Not.

Second, the online system lets you enroll in "overlapping" online classes. Meaning, you can enroll in two or more Monday night classes, since the classes don't technically meet. I inadvertently did this. My other class is a live on-campus class that meets Tuesday morning. That means all my work needs to be completed on Monday nights, for all three classes.

My husband is gone all day Monday, which means I can't work on school stuff that day. I don't do school work on the Sabbath, so Sunday is out. So my work all has to be done Saturday night. Fine... except that my husband is also gone all day on Wednesday, I host preschool co-op on Thursdays, and OH YEAH, I homeschool and run a house full of three little boys. Friday and Saturday only to do all my work? Not happening.

I ordered the book the week my financial aid came in. The guy never shipped it. Eventually, I cancelled the order, placed a new one and waited again. That guy never shipped either. I cancelled the order, went to the (*@$#&$^# bookstore on campus and paid way too much for the book, two days after the return window expired. The one I ordered online arrived the following day.

Yes. I now have two copies of this book.

But these means I didn't get the book until after the third week of class had already started. Which meant I missed the first two assignments and had to scramble to catch up the third.

And it just snowballed from there.

Three days ago, I looked at my remaining assignments and realized I had no idea what she was even asking for in one of them. Of course, it was the one that constitutes thirty percent of our final grade. But it doesn't matter. I've been scrambling to catch up in this class, and I haven't succeeded. I've been getting poor grades on the assignments I've been able to finish, and missing more than I want to admit.

So that's it.

I gave up.

I withdrew from the course. The cutoff for withdrawal is Tuesday, so it won't count against my GPA or put me on Academic Probation or anything, but it still sucks.

I hate feeling like a failure.

But I have learned some important lessons from this, and that's what matters, right? Right?!

Please tell me I'm not alone... please tell me you've quit stuff, too.

16 comments:

  1. I think you're being too hard on yourself. You didn't give up, you just made the best decision you could based on the circumstances. You are going to take the class - or another one- in the future, so that's not quitting. Quitting would be dropping out all together. Be proud of yourself for making the right choice for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. It was emotionally difficult for me. But I thought about it for quite awhile, and JD and I talked about it, and he agrees. Since this degree is not a money-maker for us, I don't need to be done in any specific time frame, so it's not a "big" deal, in the grand scheme of things. It's just not my style, you know?

      Delete
  2. I've not dropped a class. Yet. But I should have at least once. The one I really wanted to quit was Issues in Contemporary Archaeology, which was all about archaeological theory and was therefore a total snorefest. But it was compulsory to do an Honours year, so I had no choice.

    The one I REALLY should have dropped was called The Rise and Fall of Civilisations. Sounds interesting, right? I discovered in the first week that it was all about the THEORY behind why civilisations rise and fall, rather than the signs to look for when you're excavating etc. I hated that subject with every fibre of my being, and I got a C for it. By ONE mark. To this day, I hate that I didn't do one point better to get rid of that stupid C from my transcript...

    It seems like you're not incapable of taking three classes. It's just that the three classes you wanted to take had sucky one-on-top-of-the-other timetables, which prevented you from doing your best!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You HAVE to do what's best for you, your sanity, and your family. You are not a quitter! Just balancing your life... that is what's most important ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. According to Julie Beck, "Mothers who Know, do less." So, I think that you are making a good choice. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/mothers-who-know?lang=eng
    I do hate to think that our co-op helped contribute to you feeling like a failure. I stand by what I said a few weeks ago, I can take one of your weeks if that would lighten your load. I agree with Morgan, you are finding a balance and that is truly what is most important. It will make you a better mom and you can always take the class later.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, sweetie, you are so not a failure. Life is tough. You can only do so much. If ya overdo it, you won't be healthy and happy. When I served my LDS mission (I'm assuming you're LDS) I had to think of myself before I could look outward. Take it easy. And don't worry about getting my WIP back to me super quick. I'm in no hurry. You are more important. :D

    ReplyDelete
  6. SandrasfiberworksMarch 17, 2012 at 7:30 PM

    Cannot imagine how you homeschool 3 boys and take courses. Miracle mom! God bless,really!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are so not a failure. There are millions of people, me being one of them, that could out fail you any day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've quit many things... I listed a lot of them in my post "The Art of Quitting." I don't regret any of those decisions.

    ReplyDelete
  9. My classes are mostly online, and school has generally been easy for me. Plus, I only have one child in school, and it's kindergarten. So right now "homeschool" is mostly just educational play and lots of reading time.

    ReplyDelete
  10. 1. I am LDS, so I get it :)
    2. I know I shouldn't overdo it, which is why I ultimately made the decision to drop the class. It just wasn't worth all the blood, sweat and tears. Okay... so that's figurative. At least the blood part. Statistics has not yet made me physically bleed.
    3. Part of the reason I dropped the class is because I was no longer able to do the things I enjoy (reading, blogging, etc). It was a small part, but it was a factor in the decision. This degree is not one that is going to support our financial livelihood, so it's not worth it to push through and get it done as fast as possible. I need to enjoy my life at the same time. Which is my really long way of explaining that I will be working on your WIP tonight :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I can't believe I had forgotten about this talk! But you are so, so, so right! The class wasn't worth how miserable I felt about it. I'll have to take it eventually (it's a required course), but now is not the time.

    If I need help with the co-op, I will definitely let you guys know. I've already talked with you about my shifted attitude towards how I handle the co-op, and just those small shifts have made the whole experience so much more fun and enjoyable! So, for now, I'm all in. But I know what to do if that changes, I promise :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. It sounds so nice and so reasonable when you say it that way!

    ReplyDelete
  13. That does sound fairly fascinating, but that sucks that you got a C in that class :(

    I've dropped two classes before, but there was a medical reason for it. In 2005, I was told I would never be able to have kids on my own. We were saving up for adoption. I got SIIIIIIIIIIIICK in August of that year. It took all my energy just to get home after work, I slept on my desk at least once, I was barfing ten to twenty times a day. I thought I was DYING. Literally. I thought I was going to die of a mystery disease. Turns out I was pregnant.

    If I had known that pregnancy was an option, I probably could have handled it differently and would have been able to handle that semester. But, as it was, I missed the first three sessions of my classes and was dropped automatically by the school.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love that talk. It seriously changed my life. I'm glad you know I'm here to help. That's all I need to know. See you tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete